Blue Twilight

My dad is a loon

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 02:16:52 GMT

I wish I could mean that in an affectionate, half-humorous way, about to type some endearingly anecdotal happening about him dancing around at a party with a lamp shade on his head, or such.

Unfortunately, the title is quite literal.

(The following may be quite revelatory for some of you, to whom I've only hinted at this. Yes, this is more or less what has been eating me of late... )

In november of 2001, I got a message from Karyn, my step mother, to please call her, as it was urgent. When I finally got her, I was told: "It's your father. He's destroying this family."

Well, it turned out that dear old dad, who had been laid off from his job of three decades back in mid-98 (and mostly for sexual harrasment, I was later to learn) had failed to make a go of it on the new job. This was news to us, as, accoding to him, it was going quite well. As it turns, he made barely 50K total during his first two years, and third year was looking hardly better. To supplement, he borrowed money from acquaintances and friends. Now, I really have to give him some credit here. If I had to borrow any considerable sum of dough tomorrow, I could divide the people I know into two camps: Those that have it and wouldn't give me jack, and those that would be willing to help, but just don't have it. (for any anybody I offend with this statement, you're welcome to correct me if I'm wrong in your case...) But my dad was able to get amounts like 20K, (twice) 30K and (god, what were they thinking??) 65K. Mostly, he did this by promising ungodly interest rates, to the tune of 20 - 25% (which is actually illegal, stupid, greedy suckers...) or inventing lies about investing their money in profitable real estate deals which would bring a quick, fat yield. In addition, he also emptied out his and his wife's IRAs, without her knowledge or consent. (just as the loans were done)

So eventually, the shit hits the fan after all this money has been spent, and checks start bouncing. To compound things, he lost the last job (under circumstances we're still not sure about) and is now selling cars, yet to clear over 2K in a single month. My step mom's career has also flopped, though she has made a valiant attempt. So not only do they owe a shit load of money, they also only make about half of what they need to cover the 7K or so it takes them a month, to live where they are, and support their three kids. (14, 15 & 17 now)

My step mom, who was kind of arrogant and liked to flounce around and play the Los Gatos socialite, has turned into a frail, suffering wraith or herself. Really, this is a woman who always acted like she desereved better than everyone around her just by virtue of who she is, now reduced to someone who is about two steps from a poverty life style. My dad meanwhile continues to lose more and more of his mind. Doing entertaining things like circling around the block with the lights off if he thinks going home is going to mean his wife (soon to be ex) is going to yell at him some more. Oh, and did I mention that he didn't pay his taxes all three years this was going on? (thank god the IRS allows offer & comprimise...) And let his life insurance lapse? And has just stopped doing basic things, like putting oil in the car? Can you say "Nervous fucking breakdown?" And being his only adult child, guess who will have to look after him once Karyn gives him the boot? (well, one good thing about Texas, there are areas where you can put 5K down on a house and have a $200 mortgage. This means I can shelter him reasonably without throwing money away on rent, and at least have the second home as an investment. ) And this was the guy who dumped my mom for the blond at the office, and didn't spend a penny on education for me, or do anything very meaningful aside from keep a roof over my head while I was growing up...

Knowing I'm doing the move, my step mom has the gall to ask if she can get a 'stash of cash' from me once the sale of the house closes. Now mind, I've already made something like five of their mortgage payments, (3K a pop) paid about 9K to get the IRS off their backs, and helped them get a new SUV because the one they had was on its last legs. Really, I did this more because of my bond to the kids, and I think it is unfair to see their childhood disrupted in this manner. What concerns me is I see no end in sight for this. My dad (64 years old next february) is finshed as a wage earner. My step mother is too. And there are three teenagers who still need to finish high school and make it through college. Definitely, one reason I thought it smart to move from my condo to a house at this point, is in case I end up having to take in any of the kids.

Truthfully, they could sell their present house, pay off *all* their debt, and still have about 300K left over to get a home elsewhere. Of course to my self absorbed step mother, this is horrifying as 300K is hardly enough to permit them to stay here in the Bay Area. Boo hoo. Let's rob all our friends & family members, instead, so we can have what we think we're entitled to. Well, I am done handing out $$. (and yes, I have what I gave them covered with a contract.) She may have to modify her standards a bit, unless she wants to end up in a shelter in the Bay Area...

My friends parents are well off, and most of them are investors, either in real estate, stocks, or other. I'm envious, I admit. It's like I'm the only adult in the family now. I had heard that eventually your parents are like your kids... but I thought that was sometime *after* you turned 45...

Oh well, I'll live, and so will they. But the next time I see Leave it to Beaver, I'm gonna kick the TV. That sort of family is just an ideal, sugar coated for syndication. The Simpsons are actually the realistic depiction of the American family. (or at least mine... ) Heh... conjures funny picture of my family with yellow skin & bug eyes... (Doh!)

Happy Hallowed Beenie...

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 04:40:12 GMT

A day early, since I won't be posting tomorrow night.

First, I just wanna mention that my little rant from last night was in no way intended as a downer on anybody in particular. It's just something that I observe, my oppinion. I know what it's like to hurt. I can even understand the temptation to take it out on someone who looks like they are not suffering as much. But I still don't think it's right or sane, and that's what I meant to say. There are many better alternatives, if a person wants to look... I know by experience. 'nough said.

Well, I'm gonna do a costume tomorrow, for the first time in five years. I'm going as a Sith warrior. The concept started when I got this awesome D. Vader replica light saber, out of the shaper image catalog. It is an exact replica of the one from the movie, with a red blade. There is even motion-sensor driven sound effects, so it hums like the real deal. :) Just had to do something with this.

I've got the requisite black cloak, garments & boots, even a wig that is like a Malkovich 'do (from Dangerous Liasons) but with a platinum streak. A really cool medalion with a dragon emblem completes the get-up. I am debating on makeup. Thought about doing a red base, with black markings, ala D. Maul. But you know, I still have bad memories about makeup from when I was thirteen, and my friends and I went as the members of Kiss. (I was Paul Stanley) Getting it in my eyes, etc. No fun. Will probably go path of least resistance, and just use my mug as is.

My friends wife tells me I am too honest & sweet looking to make a good Sith, that I should go as a Jedi. People often say things like this to me. (Phaugh, why I couldn't I be a more menacing looking guy? Menacing guys get to wear cooler looking clothes than the sweet types...) In fact, people used to tell me I looked like Mark Hamil (Luke Skywalker) back when I had more hair. Now, people tell me I look like Dave Matthews. Does Dave Matthews really look honest & sweet? More pensive & brooding, I'd say. I think Dave could make a respectable Sith, actually. Turn to the dark side, and, don't drink the water...

Ok, that's enough stupidity for one evening.

Something in the air

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 06:03:06 GMT

Well, I had a truly great time with Lisa today. Invigorating. (Hey, you know when I have a bacon cheeseburger & a rootbeer float (things normally on my 'that isn't food' list), I'm kickbacked & pretty carefree. (yeah, it's probably the over-health consciousness of someone who watched his mother die an ugly death from cancer while in her 50's. Though in mom's case, I think it was the cigarettes, stress & artificial sweetners, not bcn-chs burgers)

So why then the slightly darker mood today? Actually, I know the answer to that, so just call me rhetorical B. :) It never ceases to amaze me how much fear their is in the general population. And not legitimate fear, over things like poverty, crime, prejudice, the IRS and California now having a cheeseball actor for a governor, at its absolute zenith of economic flacidity. (er, is that a word?? That is to say, the state of being flacid... ) No, those would all be honorable fears. I mean what I call the 'C Fear'... that is, competitive fear. Fear of 'not making the grade'. Fear of losing face. Fear especially, god forbid, of not looking as cool as whoever they are locked in mortal-competitive combat with in what ever little ego-drama is tieing up their mental ergs. This mentality is especially rampant out here in the Bay Area. I'll be glad to get away from it. It's all about one-upsmanship... making someone else less so they can feel more... bigger... better... whatever.

It occurs to me, the few real enemies I've had in this life were not people that looked down on me. No, it was always someone who wanted a woman I was dating, hated me for an artistic abilty that I had, or for being more perceptive than they were, or driving a nicer car, or most horribly, because I wasn't as fear filled as they were. (how dare I be insouciant... don't I understand what the consequences of being alive are???) Wait a min... how does this tie in to a drive to the coast with a friend?? Well, it was just remarkable how many people, male and female, were rude to Lisa and I today, and for no other reason than we were laughing and having a good time. Honest... we weren't flashing "We Love the Govenator" stickers or anything, nor were we overly loud or rowdy. We just commited the crime of coming accross as happy and care free in front of those who don't feel that way.

The funny thing is, we both certainly have our share of problems. Me with my dad's family, and she with her ex-husband and work situation. It's not like we're Jessica & Nick, or Arnold & Maria, or anything. It's just that we have enough self-esteem, or whatever, to not require putting someone else in their place, (where ever that is) in order to feel good. (or more accurately pretend to feel good. ) I think Gary Zukav would call this authentic power. I call it being about as free as you can be, in a wacky society that has as many social, economic & psychological constraints as this one does. Competition is pretty much the ultimate jail, though I doubt many bred and raised in a society that glorifies competing would be able to see that. Maybe I'm just flying my own little ego-ship here, but that is how it looks to me. :)

Enough ranting for one evening. Why not close with some classic Neil Peart lyrics, from Rush's Grace Under Pressure CD?

From the song Kid Gloves-

A world of difference
A world so out of touch
Overwhelmed by everything
But wanting more so much

Call it blind frustration
Call it blind man's bluff
Call each other names
Your voices rude
Your voices rough
Then you learn the lesson
That it's cool to be so tough

Handle with kid gloves
Handle with kid gloves
Then you learn the lessons
Taught in school won't be enough
Put on your kid gloves
Put on your kid gloves
Then you learn the lesson
That it's cool to be so tough

A world of indifference
Heads and hearts too full
Careless of the consequence
Of constant push and pull

Anger got bare knuckles
Anger play the fool
Anger wear a crown of thorns
Reverse the golden rule
Then you learn the lesson
That it's tough to be so cool...

--B out!

Testing, testing...

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 05:25:33 GMT

Well, I'm making this entry mostly just to test out my new remote client, called LochJournal.

Today was a good day. I'm missing Paula less and less... *without* being bitter about anything that happened. I think that is an achievement. :) Tomorrow, I'm driving out to the coast with Lisa, a female friend I kinda-sorta dated before I started seeing P. The move would preclude any romantic involvement at this stage, but she is a great person to hang around with.

Funny, it's been years since I had an impulse to see the ocean, but since I soon won't be living near it anymore, it's suddenly occurred to me how I really -do- like being in driving distance of it. I am looking forward to the move, for a variety of reasons, but dang, there are some places and people in Cali that I'm really going to miss!

The musical bug has been biting me again. Specifically, to pick up the bass guitar again. I no longer own a bass... but am about to buy one. An old acquaintance of mine, Steve Carlton, calls kip out in Texas. He is singer/songwriter/guitarist par excellence... I mean really... it boggles me this guy never got a recording contract. I hacked around with him and a drummer friend of his back in the late 80's, and felt like I was out of my league with those two. But it turns out Steve liked my playing, and want to know what I'm doing musically these days. (haha, not a whole lot... ) Anyway, working with him could be rewarding, if I can find time to allocate with working at ACLC, and having a life...

Ok, that's a wrap.

Today

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 01:00:00 GMT

I was at whole foods a little while, ago and an elderly woman was standing around looking very puzzled, as elderly folk are wont to do. She mumbled to herself: "Let's see... where do I go next?" almost as if expecting an answer, or perhaps to an invisible friend.

My thought: When it comes down to it, is this not what we are all asking ourselves everyday?

(okay, it's a meager beginning... more to come!)